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News - Working women tell their story

grandpahelmholtz — Mon, 26 May 2008 00:01:25 +0000

In 1913, a special committee of the British government had to consider the following written minutes of evidence on post office employees:

“I do think it would be rather awkward to have men and women working together shoulder to shoulder in the same department.

“If we think of employing women we always think “is there a room where we can put them all by themselves?”

Fifty odd years before that statement was written, British women had been teachers, dating parent single tip and seamstresses - occupations that kept them safely in the domestic sphere.

So what brought them into the office for the first time? And how did men feel about it?

There was a lot of anxiety about sex in the office, basically

Antonia Byatt, London Metropolitan University

An exhibition at The Women’s Library at London Metropolitan University, charting 140 years of British women in the workplace, provides some answers.

Women at work

The exhibition shows that women first began to join the workforce in large numbers in about 1860.

According to Antonia Byatt, director of the Women’s Library, it was about this time that big employers such as the Post Office began actively to recruit female workers.

“It’s the late 19th century and offices are beginning to burgeon - the industrial revolution is well on its way - and they need more people to work in banks, post offices, and telecommunications,” she told the BBC’s World Business Report.

Hiring women was seen as a blog dating tip step, and the transition to a mixed gender workforce did not always run smoothly.

To begin with, acceptance of women in the workplace was grudging, and they were expected to retreat back into the domestic sphere as soon as they got married.

The exhibition includes a letter from a female employee to her boss which begins “I beg to inform you that I wish to get married,” and goes on to ask whether her husband can take over her job after their wedding.

Typing skills

When women first began to join the workforce, most employers were determined to keep them away from tough physical labour.

Early women workers were segregated

Women were encouraged to take up clerical and administrative roles instead, and these quickly came to be seen as female occupations.

A manual for a Remington typewriter, dating from 1888, is among the exhibits at the Women’s Library.

It states that using the typewriter involves no more work than playing the piano, explicitly promoting it as a woman’s tool.

“Comparing typewriting with playing the piano makes it seem not really that outrageous to go out and do it, a bit like sitting in your drawing room at home,” says Antonia Byatt.

Of course, the entry of large numbers of women into the workplace threw up some practical challenges, especially as the moral climate of the day dictated that male and female workers had to be segregated.

Tension

“The attitude was, if we have to have women, let’s not see them or rub shoulders with them. There was a lot of anxiety about sex in the office, basically,” says Ms Byatt.

As the exhibition makes clear, this fundamental anxiety continued to cause convulsions even long after strict gender segregation in the workplace had been abandoned.

Female dress codes: ‘Mimicking’ male power

In the late 1960s, when open-plan offices were introduced, working women became the subject of a fresh bout of soul-searching.

This time, the dominant fear was that men working shoulder to shoulder with women might be tempted to take advantage of their hapless female colleagues.

The exhibition includes a magazine article from the period with the headline: “Would you let your daughter work in an open-plan office?”

Other articles from the era reveal that many men were worried that female colleagues wearing miniskirts - then the height of fashion - would distract them from their work.

Fortunately, furniture manufacturers came to the rescue with so-called modesty boards - side panels fitted to the side of the office desk.

Respectable

Ms Byatt says many visitors to the library are surprised that a debate which took place as recently as the 1960s was so Victorian in tone.

“Young women nowadays are absolutely dumbfounded that some of this happened not particularly long ago,” she says.

Of course, much of the discussion about women in the workplace has focused on what they should wear to the office. The exhibition shows - perhaps unsurprisingly - that free dating tip for woman fashions have tended to dominate.

A copy of the Lloyds bank staff magazine dating from 1920 recommends that female employees wear Victorian styles of dress, completely out of step with the fashions of the day.

And even the 1980s trend for female ‘power dressing’ - a style associated with female corporate success - is revealed to be deeply traditional at heart.

Ms Byatt picks up a contemporary issue of Vogue magazine featuring a picture of a woman with bouffant hair wearing a shoulder-padded suit.

“She’s got a very high-necked white blouse which is very similar to the Victorian blouse that women office workers were meant to wear,” she says.

“And then of course the suit resembles the very plain dark clothes that men wore to work - it’s mimicking male power, really.”

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News - It’s good to talk… by text

grandpahelmholtz — Sat, 24 May 2008 21:24:10 +0000

We have invited readers to submit opinion articles to the BBC Scotland news website. Sarah Hepburn, an administrator with an oil-related company in Aberdeen, considers the impact of text messaging on everyday life.

THE UPS AND DOWNS IN A WORLD OF TEXTS

Students from schools on Shetland, Orkney, Lewis and Skye have received their exam results by text as part of a voluntary pilot scheme which has so far been deemed a success.

Other schemes using SMS being introduced include parents being informed of their children’s truancy by text, pupils texting incidences of bullying to teachers, members of the public texting town security with details of anti-social behaviour, and residents of a town voting on council plans reality TV-style by electronic keypad, e-mail and text.

Many verbal dating advices australia have been replaced by texts

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of such schemes is debatable but with the Mobile Data Association announcing that Britons sent a record 26 billion texts last year, there is a clear aim to raise awareness of issues amongst our texting teenagers by making the most of a well-used tool.

From flirting with your partner and conducting illicit affairs, to splitting up with someone and getting revenge on your ex, texting has been used and abused in the field of dating and can potentially lead to serious circumstances like these.

As an avid “texter” (my service provider informs me I send an average of 43 texts a day), I know from personal experience that texting can be problematic.

Texting is quick but it has many pitfalls

The thrill of sending a dating seduction relationship tip advice flirty text to that special someone is lost in the stomach-churning moments of waking up after a night out and realising I’ve been sending drunken texts to my ex.

The potential to misread the “tone” of a text, leading to text arguments, deleting unwelcome spam texts and receiving the “you’re a nice girl but…” texts have also become common occurrences on my mobile phone.

But maybe the most disturbing outcome of texting is the ever decreasing ability of today’s text generation to look each other in the eye and experience the pain, joy, love and hate of actually talking about the things that really matter.

Like Bob said… “It’s good to talk.”

The views expressed in this article are those of the author alone and are not endorsed by the BBC.

Your thoughts on Sarah Hepburn’s article.

Texting must be a huge help for the deaf community, being able to contact another person deaf or otherwise without a third person translating must make life a little easier. My friends also all work shifts and somtimes sleep at odd hours so rather than phone and wake somebody we text. I must have sent hundreds of text that just saying “U awake?”
Sue, Sussex

I had a record night last night. Drank far too much alcopop, and sent out 14 txt messages to various feminine acquaintances resulting in four barrages of abuse, one break-up, one “I never want to speak to you again” and one particularly disgruntled mother, rejecting my somewhat ill-timed advances!
Allan, Scotland

Text messages are a useful way of keeping in touch, especially if you just have a short question for someone. But it’s a nightmare if you try and have any kind of meaningful exchange. There’s far too much scope for misunderstanding. A simple “How’re you?” message could escalate into any number of things.
Rachel, Scotland

I’ve actually been so spineless as to break up with a partner by text. Realisation of what i was doing only hit me after i’d pressed ’send’ and couldn’t take it back. I realise it’s not the medium but the user who is at fault but I do believe if the reception wasn’t so patchy in the Highlands, I could have called her and passed it off as a joke. Tut tut tut. Excuses excuses eh!
Andy McKenzie, Paisley

Too busy running a home to flirt by text. Text is great for myself and partner working round our jobs and a baby - not always free to take a call. I also text the odd joke or newsflash round Ireland, Scotland and Australia regularly. It’s very handy when everyone has scattered to the four winds!
John, Dublin

I would love texting if it weren’t for the fact that my mates refuse to reply to text messages! Fair enough if it’s just something stupid, but most of them don’t reply when I actually ask a question! I just phone them now as at least they’re forced to reply then.
Gregor, Glasgow

I text quite a bit, but what annoys me is when you are at work and staff members’ mobile phones start beeping, they drop everything and reply straight away, then continue this throughout the working day. Surely people can wait until their breaks, lunch hour or finishing time before texting everyone.
Jill, Scotland

I think that Sarah has made some good points in her article, but I am surprised she has time to do anything in her life at all if she sends an average of 46 texts a day! I consider myself to be an average user because I send around five texts a day, maybe I need to re-think!
Eve, London

I find that ‘conversation’ by text is rarely a good idea. You can spend 10 minutes texting to and fro to conclude what would be a one minute voice discussion. In its place though, text is a useful tool. I’m increasingly using it to send messages to my wife who can’t take calls when she’s at work. Having said that, I probably only average about one text a day and can’t quite fathom tarrifs offering 500 or more texts a month. They should come with a health warning about RSI!
Colin, Stirling

I don’t text at all, I’m not really that interested in it, I wonder about something though watching other people furiously hitting the tiny phone keys. Tennis elbow, RSI… when is “texter’s thumb” going to make an appearance?
Martin, Dundee

Diane, how can you “innocently” flick through someone’s text messages? You were snooping and it suggests problems in your relationship prior to the discovery of his affair.
Pete, Scotland

There’s no such thing as ‘innocently’ flicking through someone else’s text messages! You get what you deserve if you spy on someone.
Gillian, Edinburgh

Texting also gives you the comfort of having an easy means to communicate with friends and family when you are by yourself (particularly when abroad)
Damien, Sydney

I txt way 2 much, my english has went downhill as well. Using shortened versions like “u, 2, ure, r” and ending every txt message with a “x” has become common. Kids spend way too much money on phones. 10p a txt message is too much. The phone operators can see kids are wasting their money and someone should put a stop of them charging such high rates. If you txt from abroad, it will cost something in the region of 50pence. How can 160 characters cost 50p?
Get it sorted!
Alan, Glasgow

Texting is a very useful and easy form of communication, unfortunately as with many things some people are too stupid to use it properly.
Kevin, Edinburgh

There is nothing better than a lazy Sunday afternoon sending out a flirty “send to many” text message to the girls in my contacts. The same message sent out to six different “projects” asking the same question: “Hey you, how you? Fancy having some fun tonight?” then when the messages come in, you can sit back and weigh up your options. Happy days.
Ray, Dundee

Texting when drunk can be very dangerous as both myself and my boyfriend have found out recently. It is definitely better to talk!
Mike Watson, Aberdeen

I find text messages to be incredibly irritating. I have a few friends who have mobile phones and yet rarely use them unless required and yet I have other friends who are constantly texting irritating and pointless texts to and fro with people. What’s the point! It just costs a stupid amount of money, is exceedingly fiddly and doesn’t exactly allow scope for very deep messages. One for the dumbed down generation, give me MSN any day.
Craig MacDonald, Scotland

I text a lot, but the amount that I say differs. Text arguments can be good, because you have more time to think about what you want to say. Also, texting allows people to reply when they aren’t busy and when it is convenient to them. However, text break-ups are the worst thing ever
Kirsty, Scotland

I think that texting when drunk or emotional is far more destructive than say an argument when inebriated, as in the morning there is some hard evidence of what has been said. Things taken out of context, misunderstood, or mis-communicated are commonplace. I agree buddhist dating advices
that it is better to talk and engage properly with someone in most situations.
I send about 5-10 text messages per day and try to keep them short, to the point, and hopefully conclusive. Great mode of communication though compared to days gone by purely from a convenience point of view.
Frazer Gillespie, Inverness.

I discovered my husband was having an affair after innocently flicking through his text messages.
Diane, Scotland

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News - Spooks and hacks in Pakistan

grandpahelmholtz — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:17:46 +0000

Only, he is not a journalist.

“He’s the secret wallah,” the reporter sitting next to me tells me with a half smile. He can’t believe that I do not know this character. Every journalist in Islamabad recognises the men from women dating advices older men
agencies who routinely attend all news conferences and other media gatherings.

I walk up to him after the event.

“Which paper are you with?”

He pretends not to have listened. Some of the reporters around us have heard me, though, and they are now watching us with interest.

“Excuse me,” I persist, “I’m so and so. And you are?”

The Fourth Estate in Pakistan is deeply penetrated by the Fifth Column

Send your views

“I am not a journalist,” he says with a straight face, but he’s getting unsettled by the attention he’s getting from journalists around us who seem to be enjoying this exchange immensely.

“Then what brings you to this news conference?” I ask in a friendly manner.

“I work for Special Branch,” comes a clipped and final reply. He’s visibly annoyed by now and turns his face away to signal an end to our conversation.

Controlling the media

Special Branch is the intelligence gathering unit of police. There are dozens of other civilian and military intelligence agencies operating alongside, and when required, working “on” journalists on a day-to-day basis.

Pakistani journalists are quite used to the presence of these agents among their ranks. They also seem to accept, without resentment, the existence of so-called reporters among them, who are known to get their stories and their salaries from intelligence agencies.

The Fourth Estate in Pakistan is deeply penetrated by the Fifth Column.

These spies and fake journalists are however only the foot soldiers. The government of Pakistan has at its disposal much more potent means of controlling the media:

distribution of advertising budget;
the carrot of freebies and favours;
the stick of regulatory bodies and vaguely worded laws;
and whimsical curbs on media brought on simply by a presidential decree.

If the above measures fail to impress a professional journalist, the state may fail to protect him or her against harassment, kidnapping, torture and murder.

Indeed several of these disappearances and even some murders are blamed on state intelligence agencies but the claim is difficult to prove in any court of law as all the organs of the state are averse to releasing information that may implicate intelligence agencies in a crime.

‘Timid journalists’

Successive civilian and military governments have used and abused these powers with equal relish. Only, the intelligence agencies act more ruthlessly during military regimes.

Pakistani media have always thrived on the dating advices fiennes ralph and dedication of a few journalists

In the country’s tribal region alone, “six journalists have been killed since the beginning of 2000. Eleven journalists have been killed in all of Pakistan since that time,” says the independent New York-based Committee to Protect Journalists.

“Other than in the 2002 death of Daniel Pearl, the US reporter for The Wall Street Journal, none of the cases has been fully investigated, and no one has been charged with a crime.”

Living in these circumstances, journalists are expected to be timid, over-cautious and houston dating advices services
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. Many Pakistani journalists are just that.

Gen Musharraf faces an increasingly hostile media

But much to the annoyance of the state, there’s still a healthy and thriving segment of the media that is not just good, it’s the best in the region.

And this comes from a man who is amply qualified and neutral enough to comment on the subject: the editor of Himal, a Nepal-based South Asian news and current affairs magazine.

In a presentation in Toronto many years ago, Kanak Mani Dixit dwelled on the strengths and weaknesses of the media (the only independent medium at that time was print) in South Asia, with a particular emphasis on India and Pakistan.

He was of the view that the vernacular papers in both countries are substandard in content and design, but English-language publications maintain a reasonably high standard of professionalism.

And whereas India’s brand of journalism is by and large cautious and almost respectful of the authority and image of the state, its Pakistani counterpart is bold and vociferous to the point of defying authority, Dixit said.

The assessment is true to this day.

At a party recently I ran into the bureau chief of a French news group, based in Islamabad. “How come you didn’t make India your regional base, like the majority of news organisations including the BBC,” I asked her.

“What is there to do in India? Story after story on how the economy is booming and how Bollywood is taking over the world? I like it here. This is a challenging and exciting environment, both for foreign and indigenous journalists,” she said.

Challenging this environment definitely is.

So much so that the International Federation of Journalists (IFJ) called for journalists’ organisations from around the world to join in an international day of action earlier this month, to protest at the grave situation threatening the safety of journalists and freedom of expression in Pakistan.

‘Offensive claim’

The latest challenge to freedom of expression is a presidential decree imposing restrictions on the coverage of the suspended chief justice of Pakistan’s travels to address lawyers. These trips have gradually turned into public rallies in support of the rule of law and democracy, and by default, against the rule of Gen Musharraf.

The government did announce that it was reversing the latest curbs after journalists’ protests, but it hasn’t done it so far.

It is the same government that never tires of telling Pakistanis and the world that it has given the media unprecedented freedom.

The claim, many in the media say, is childish, if not outright offensive to the professional journalists who have wrested whatever freedom they enjoy today, from successive autocratic rulers, over several decades.

The one thing this government has encouraged is the separated and dating advices
of media. That has meant more of its agents into the mainstream. But there’s nothing that the media is free to do now that it wasn’t allowed 10 years ago.

Pakistani media have always thrived on the professionalism and dedication of a few journalists, rather than the patronage of state or largesse of media owners.

And this is how it will continue to be.

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Sport - Caption Competition 151

grandpahelmholtz — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:08:55 +0000

England’s Richard Johnson (centre) claims the wicket of Zimbabwe’s Heath Streak during the second Test at Chester-le-Street.

New cap Johnson made a stunning entrance to top-level cricket by taking six wickets for 33 runs in the first innnings.

The hosts then went on to record a comprehensive innings and 69 run victory over their African opponents to win the series 2-0.

We asked you to send in your witty captions as Johnson’s team-mates, Robert Key and Michael Vaughan, join the celebrations.

The winner of this week’s BBC Sport Interactive goody bag is… J.P. McGuire of Thailand who came up with this cracker:

Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards.

Good work J.P. - a BBC Sport Interactive goody bag is on the way.

We’re now getting so many entries that we’ve decided to arranges them under different themes - hope you like it! Feel free to send us your feedback. And check out the best of the rest below.

Totally topical taste

BEST IN CATEGORY

Yes! Justine has been evicted from Big Brother!

Phil,
Hereford

Liverpool fan reacts to news that David Beckham is leaving Man Utd.
Mitesh Shah, England

Yes! Justine has been evicted from Big Brother!

Phil,
Hereford, England

England enjoy every moment of what it feels like to dominate before their next encounter…the South Africans.
Brandon, London

Richard Johnson smiles as he knows they’ll never find the sausages he smuggled in between his buttocks.

Gareth, Hertfordshire

Bowled over

BEST IN CATEGORY

Hussain is furious as three of his fielders go for the same catch.

Justin Goodrich,
Edinburgh

As Johnson lets yet another simple catch slip through his fingers, Vaughan is backing up to take the catch himself.
Tim Taylor, Wimbledon

Key: ‘Hurry and clear them up Rich, then we can go to lunch early.’
Savio Moniz, London

Vaughan: That was a jaffa Rich!

Johnson: Ooh yay! Food! I like the orangey stuff in the middle!

Ben Pearce, Bristol

Hussain is furious as three of his fielders go for the same catch.

Justin Goodrich,
Edinburgh

I told you I couldn’t bowl that fast without my arms getting stuck!
Tom, London

It was all his team-mates could do to prevent newcomer Richard Johnson from trying to bowl over and round the wicket at the same time.
Jim Brant, Daventry, UK

Proving unable to catch cricket balls, the England team trained with something a little larger.
Lizzie F, London, UK

Look-a-likes

BEST IN CATEGORY

Eric Cantona manages to barge his way past the bouncers into yet another caption competition.

Jeremy Dallyn, Finland

Is that R2D2 on the left?

Mitesh Shah,
England

The other players show their admiration for Johnson after he won the Tom Hanks lookalike competition.

Tom, England

Following his success as a world class footballer, Zinedine Zidane’s cricket career looked like it was going to be just as rewarding.
Luke Bennett, Nuneaton

Robert and Michael prevent a well-disguised Karl Powers from entering the playing area.

Bobby Ryder, Solihull

Paolo Di Canio leaves West Ham to take up cricket.

Bobby Ryder,
Solihull

With the world’s eyes on the test at Durham, Richard johnson thinks this is the perfect time to audition for the cheeky girls. Even his team-mates can’t keep their hands off, mistaking him for Gabriela.

Andy,
Merseyside

Eric Cantona manages to barge his way past the bouncers into yet another caption competition.

Jeremy Dallyn, Finland

The England boys do their Charlie’s Angels impressions.

Mike R, Durham Uni

Rob Key’s attempts to stop Greg Rusedski’s pitch invasion seemed hopeless.

Steve Shorthose,
Scotter

Key and Vaughan hold Johnson back from Kung-Fu kicking a member of the crowd.

Gareth,
Hertfordshire

Sticky wicket

BEST IN CATEGORY

Avoid sweat, attract cricketers.

Rob Payne,
Wigan

The bowling’s overarm - the deodorant’s underarm.

Nick B,
london

“What do you mean, I haven’t washed my armpits for weeks?”
Gareth, Hertfordshire

Underarm magnets prove too powerful to resist for Vaughan and Key despite hideous odour.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson refuses to divulge the whereabouts of his anti-perspirant despite a vicious tickling assault by Key and Vaughan.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Men’s sweat only attracts other men’s sweat. Sure.

Paul,
London, UK

Johnson unveiled his new secret power, the deadly armpit vortex!
TJ Winfield, Bristol

Johnson: “no sweat”.

Michelle Tulett,
Selby, North Yorkshire

Vaughan: ‘You were right about that deodorant Rich, it’s working like a charm even after six wickets!’

TJ Winfield,
Bristol

Johnson spies a deodorant marketing manager in the crowd.

Richard Pasco, UK

It’s true! Male sweat does only attract other men.

Colin Russell,
UK

The embarrassed Johnson is carried off the field when the England team realise he has confused his deodorant for a can of hairspray.
Steve, London, UK

Michael and Robert can’t help but wish that Richard’s deodorant was as effective as his bowling.
James Sutherland, Nailsea, Somerset

You can check if you want. But I tell you it was pretty easy work. Not even a white spot around my underarms!
R Thanawalla, Scotland, UK

Avoid sweat, attract cricketers.

Rob Payne,
Wigan

Cap comp classics

BEST IN CATEGORY

Another accident with the superglue results in male bonding.

I. Diot, England

A cut-out Richard Johnson?! I always wanted one of them!

Richard Pasco, Reading, Uk

Michael Vaughan and Robert Key move Richard Johnson’s lifesize model into position
Trevor, Preston, UK

Another accident with the superglue results in male bonding.
I. Diot, England

He won’t be celebrating when he sees what we’ve put on his back.
Mark Endicott, Bristol

Richard Johnson does the hi-10 with the invisible man.
Ben Dunbar, England

Johnson prepares to be “Tango’d”

James Atkinson,
Sheffield, UK

Toy boy

BEST IN CATEGORY

Johnson’s accurate bowling had made Vaughan suspect he was a robot. To his amazement, the sign on his back read “Insert Key here!”

Ollie B, Southampton

Key: “Now, if I press him here he bends over and touches his toes.”

Ben Dunbar,
Manchester, U.K.

Key and Vaughan together, “I told you to bring the batteries”.
Garry Waddell, UK

Every time you pull that loose thread his arms shoot up!
Rob Falconer, Wales

I told you we should have used Duracell….

John Lewis,
Finland

New bionic bowler overheats and is held up for repair.
Pete, Manchester,
UK

Johnson’s accurate bowling had made Vaughan suspect he was a robot. To his amazement, the sign on his back read “Insert Key here!”

Ollie B, Southampton UK

Key: “And this switch in his head makes his eyes move from side to side!”

Brendan O’Donnell, Lytham St.Annes, England

Every time you press his tummy, there’s this funny squeaking noise!
Rob Falconer, Wales

If you press the green button on your remote control, Johnson’s left arm will hit Vaughan on the head…
Ryan Spencer, Hertfordshire

You hold him steady while I wind him up.

Barry Payne,
Cleethorpes

Ken Dodd-tastic

BEST IN CATEGORY

Perilous days for planet earth, as the gods decide to give Atlas a good tickling.

Si Griffin, UK

The hiring of new England cricket coach, Mr Tickle, is already showing positive results.
Michael, Perth, Australia

To give Zimbabwe a chance, the English fielders resorted to tickling each other when going up for a catch.
Si Griffin, UK

“I declare a tickle fight!”

Brian Lang,
Chicago, USA

Round and round the garden,
Like a teddy bear.
One step, two step…..

Frances Gregory,
Poland

Perilous days for planet earth, as the gods decide to give Atlas a good tickling.

Si Griffin, UK

Stop it, that tickles.

James Sutherland,
Nailsea, Somerset

“Come on, let’s do it again - round and round the garden…..
Kevin Darley, Selby, England

Vaughan furiously grabs the tickle-stick away from Robert Key.
Tim Taylor, Wimbledon

Stop you guys! That really tickles.

Rutang T,
Scotland, UK

Dance the night away

BEST IN CATEGORY

Richard couldn’t resist his Bhangra urges.

Martin Mills, Morpeth

Calls for more women in cricket were gaining pace as Key and Vaughan clashed over the last dance.

Ibi, London

Key and Vaughan struggle to contain Johnson when he hears S Club 7’s reach for the stars on the public address system
Mike Cummins, Prescot, UK

Come on lads, join in…..Do the Locomotion…..

Bobby Ryder,
Solihull

Football-songsters “Fat Les” reform for test series against Zimbabwe.
James Atkinson, Sheffield, UK

Only the Y-M-C were missing from the routine.

Andy Tulloch,
Hemel Hempstead

Chaos erupts as two England fielders attempt to join the conga at the same point.

Si Griffin, UK

Johnson’s moment of glory was tarnished by his failed attempt to start a Mexican wave

Kevin Jones,
Coventry

Ok, hands up who brought “Agadoo” and played it in the changing room? Right, get him!
Steve Godrich, UK

“Hey Macarena”.

Ben Westoby,
Grantham

I just can’t get the hang of this ballet!

Richard Chapman,
High Wycombe

Britain’s newest pop sensation, ‘The Cricketers’ with their cover of YMCA.

Harry, Perth, Australia

Bob and Mike decided to entertain the crowd on the fourth day by doing the Heimlich manoeuvre to music.

Garry Waddell, UK

Johnson: ‘Join the ballet lads.’

Hemia Jayasuriya,
Woking

Flushed by his Test debut success, Johnson decides to have a crack at flamenco dancing.

John Lewis, Finland

Richard couldn’t resist his Bhangra urges.

Martin Mills,
Morpeth

Sorry Richard, but Nasser says you can’t join in the Mexican wave.
Mark Mullaly, Birmingham, UK

“Hands up, baby hands up, give me your heart gimme gimme, your heart gimme gimme”.

James Vincent, Doncaster

More YMCA than LBW!

Steve Boyde,
Barrow

Johnson “It’s fun to play at the Personals dating advices site
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Michelle Tulett, Selby, North Yorkshire

The Mexican wave got off to a bad start

Graham McD,
Livingston

The filming of the new Bacardi Breezer advert seemed to be going well.

Natalie Boardman,

Everybody in the house say ‘Yeah!’

Natalie Boardman,

England’s ‘S Club 7′ tribute dance was so complicated, only Johnson got the hang of it.
Martin Mills, Morpeth

Hands up, baby hands up! Give me your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your love!
Roger, Teesside

Regulars’ banter

BEST IN CATEGORY

Yeah, playing Test cricket is a bit like the Cap Comp. A flurry of published articles on the first day, nothing in the middle part, and a flurry of articles again in the last few hours on the last day.

Mitesh Shah, England

Si Griffin is warmly welcomed back to the Caption Comp fold after a short toilet break.
Mike Goudge, UK

Zimbabwe’s batsmen were bemused by the new Caption Competition arrangement, and Johnson took full advantage.
Martin Mills, Morpeth

Si Griffin is held hostage by fellow captioners, but still manages to submit a few entries via semaphore.

Si Griffin, UK

Johnson goes into a “we are not worthy” routine due to BBC Caption Competition judges’ excellent categorisation idea.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

YAY! Stephen Tucker has finally won the BBC Cap Comp!
Stephen Tucker, USA

Another sportsman proves his lack of stigmata.

Some guy from Morpeth,
Morpeth

Si Griffin, Caption Competition Grand Master, shown here displaying how many captions he enters per hour, is mobbed by adoring BBC Cap Comp judges.

Mike Goudge,
U.K.

The boys are ecstatic at ousting Henman from the Cap Comp picture.
C. Hunter, England

The lads are jubilant at the news that Sarah L has okayed the photo.
C. Hunter, England

The longsighted palm reader clearly has better news for Johnson than he did for Henman.

Si Griffin, UK

Yay! No stupid “kick me quick” captions!

Richard Pasco,
Uk

With Si Griffin M.I.A it’s open season for the coverted prize of most captions entered.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson realises he’s won the BBC Sport Interactive goody bag.
Gareth, Hertfordshire

The England players celebrate Rob Falconer and Clare Daniele’s record partnership for the number of entries in the caption competition
Alan ball, NZ

OK, hands up John Lewis, we know you’ve got your unabridged Alan Coren caption writing dictionary in there somewhere!

Jeremy Dallyn, Finland

Johnson, like Henman in the previous Caption Competition, proves once and for all the he does not have hairy palms.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Key: “That’s it Richard, stay there and Rob Falconer is sure to think of another witty caption for this, perhaps if I just touch your breast… ouch!”
TJ Winfield, Bristol

Cap Comp judges celebrate their reduced work load, as Si Griffin appears to be on holiday…

John Lewis, Finland

Say what you see

BEST IN CATEGORY

Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards.

J.P. McGuire,
Thailand

I’m telling you, I’ll buy the drinks, but you won’t find my wallet!
Mike Gant, Leeds

The world watches in astonishment as cricket’s first Siamese twins take to the field.

Andy Tulloch, Hemel Hempstead

Hands on faith healers work miracle for man with two broken arms.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Richard Johnson celebrates after being told he will not go on England’s next Winter tour.

Kevin Tracey, Scotland

His secret identity compromised, Superman was kept from flying away by the “Mad Hatters”.

Neal Berridge, UK

Johnson had clearly enjoyed himself on the Chester-le-Street Death slide.
Martin Mills, Morpeth

“Turn round Richard mate - Mecca’s in that direction.”
simon, hitchin

After a few beers, Johnson would often try and gate-crash other people’s celebrations.
James Wiffen, Chelmsford, Essex

OK Robert, you grab his undies and we’ll give him a wedgie!!”
Jeff Gill, UK

Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards.

J.P. McGuire,
Thailand

Johnson’s celebration at entering the Guinness Book of Records for longest time with a ferret in your whites continued during Key and Vaughan’s frantic effort to remove the dizzy creature.

Michael Bate,
Mullingar, Ireland

Field maintenance team at Chester-le-street are surprised what popped up after the use of Miracle Grow.

Mike Goudge, UK

After 24 hrs on the rack Richard ‘Shorty’ Johnson is stretched to bowler size.

Mike Goudge, UK

Suddenly Richard spotted Alice Cooper in the crowd and launched into his “We’re not worthy” routine.
Mark Mullaly, Birmingham, UK

“Sorry son, arms up, you’re under arrest. You’re going back to OZ, no-one is THAT good in England.”

Rick Baker, Grimsby, UK

After bowling naked for seven overs Johnson is finally forced to get dressed by Key and Vaughan.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Birthday boy gets nasty shock when male stripper jumps out of cake.
Mitesh Shah, England

After being bet that he could not carry two of his team members across the out field, Richard Johnson finally puts Key and Vaughan down.

Mike Goudge,
U.K.

“And stretch - 4 - 5 - 6.”

Rick Baker,
Grimsby, UK

As the team attempted to hold him down, it appeared that Richard Johnson’ new hover boots were becoming a problem.
Andy Tulloch, Hemel Hempstead

Ah, I see what’s happened. Your bra strap’s snapped.

Rob Falconer,
Wales

Vaughan: “All hands on deck, we’ve got to stop him doing his triple back-flip celebration. We have enough injuries already!”
Sanjay Ghelani, Edgware

After stumbling into a spectator’s huge cooler of ice going for that high boundary stopping catch, a frozen Johnson is removed from the field of play.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Richard Johnson played along as Key and Vaughan tied him up with invisible thread…

Linsey, England

Johnson saves Vaughan from the evil helmet-headed mugger.
Paul Wilson, Hemel Hempstead

Johnson was in error to trust his team mates when they told him to fall back and they would catch him.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

High jinx at Chester-le-street as Richard Johnson hangs off the main stand roof by his finger tips with Key & Vaughan attached to him.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Richard is thrilled to pull off the double-tuck somersault in his floor exercise.

James Atkinson, Sheffield, UK

Richard Johnson’s celebrations disrupt a heated ‘helmets are better than sun hats’ debate.

Peter Blow, Guildford, UK

Despite his haul of six wickets, Richard Johnson discovers that he is not superman and cannot fly.
Dom White, London, UK

The England team’s lack of advice dating free tip and fitness is shown here as Key and Vaughan completely miss Johnson’s ‘high five’ attempt, instead smacking him on the back and chest thus further adding to England’s injury worries.

Gurpreet Kahlon, Vienna, Austria

England cricket team in high five fiasco.

Mike Goudge,
U.K.

Cricketer drops bat down back of t-shirt.

Pete,
Manchester, UK

Key and Vaughan enjoy winning another 50p in the rock, scissor and paper game knowing that Johnson always goes for paper.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Key and Vaughan celebrate finally waking Johnson up from his impromptu nap.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson lets his fingernail polish dry before bowling next over.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Nice try, Richard, but I think we’ll need a ladder to change the bulbs in the floodlights
Rob Falconer, Wales

Vaughan: ‘Look, I can get half my arm into his arm-pits!’

Clare Daniele,
UK

The players sniggered childishly at the fact they’d won by 69 runs.
Lizzie F, London, UK

Johnson winces as so many celebrations in so short a period cause him to pull a muscle in his back.
Beaz, Hinckley

It took two men to hoist Johnson up for his parallel bars routine.
Si Griffin, UK

Bowler runs into glass door.

Pete,
Manchester, UK

Pun fun

BEST IN CATEGORY

Cap competition won by bowler.
(Okay, it isn’t funny - but it’s bordering on clever!).

C Hunter, England

Johnson loved a bit of first slip and tickle.

Bert B,
London

Vaughan: “I read somewhere that the best caption wins a goody bag.”
Key: “That’ll be Nasser Hussein, then.”
Vaughan: “Or maybe that explorer bloke…Caption Oates.”
Key: “No point in us carrying on then. We haven’t got a caption between us - he’s just a bowler.”
(The three exit stage left, looking disconsolate).

C. Hunter,
England

Having long admired everybody else’s headgear, Johnson was delighted to hear he’d be getting his first cap.
Rebecca, Cambridge

Key and Vaughan help Johnson take off his shirt as he does a Streak.
Mike R, Durham Uni

Johnson featured in BBC’s new CAPtion competition.

Mike Goudge,
U.K.

Johnson celebrates but the Zimbabwe captain laments, as it is England who have the winning streak!

Peter Collier,
Nottingham

Cap competition won by bowler.
(Okay, it isn’t funny - but it’s bordering on clever!).

C. Hunter, England

The Key to Johnson’s success was the deodorant he had Vaughan!
Phil, Hereford, England

Vaughan again Johnson is Key to England success.

Pete Clark,
Leek, Staffs

“You misheard me, Richard. It’s a CAP Comp, not a camp comp”.
C. Hunter, England

Lewd laughter ensues as the lads watch Heath streak.

C. Hunter,
England

After preventing all of Zimbabwe from getting the runs, Johnson celebrates winning the Nobel prize for medicine.

C. Hunter, England

Previously tipped to win the cap competition, Johnson was later disqualified for forgetting his cap.
C. Hunter, England

Sur-really great

After a gruelling day, the cricket stumps celebrated the end of their shift.

Neal Berridge, UK

BEST IN CATEGORY

Key and Vaughan acted quickly to prevent Superman disclosing his identity in the heat of the moment.

Lizzie F, London

Who said nobody listened to Timothy Leary? Ride that magic bus!
Mark Gerula, Finland

After a bemused cow wandered onto the Chester-le-street field of play, Vaughan, who always wanted to be an animal doctor, proved the point by inserting his hand where only trained vets should go, while Johnson covered up the ghastly display. The cow was later seen at a near by pawn shop trying to sell an imitation Rolex.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

During a breathtaking publicity stunt, Johnson prepares to leap from John Prescott’s abdomen on to a pile of cardboard boxes far below.
C. Hunter, England

Suspicions that the drinks in the locker room were spiked were confirmed yesterday as Johnson was heard shouting…”Look, I’m a wabbit…I’m a wabbit”.

Mike Duncan, Perth, Australia

The celebrations ended in disaster when the players got velcroed to Johnson’s sports bra.

Lizzie F, London, UK

Johnson’s just about to bowl his next delivery when he jerks. He finds himself sat in his bed, cursing his luck. Again.

Ole, Worksop

“C’mon guys - it’s the second star to the right and straight on ’til morning!”

Simon, Hitchin

Online dating tip for man of the World Synchronised Swimming Age gaps dating advices
starts to show.
Mike Duncan, Perth, Australia

Vaughan stared in disbelief as Richard Johnson dropped out of the sky right in front of him as he went to congratulate Key.

Luke Bennett, Nuneaton

Key and Vaughan rotated Richard ‘the human drill bit’ Johnson as fast as they could to make the hole Zimbabwe were in even deeper.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

The England bowler takes full advantage of the BBC outside broadcast unit’s new “SmellyVision” technology to enjoy a full interactive experience with unsuspecting cricket viewers.

John Lewis,
Finland

I can’t think of a funny caption but if you’re interested I can tell you he’s going to have a long life, he’s going to be happy, and he’s going to earn lots of money.

Madame Azul, Gypsy Land

After years apart, Vaughan and Key were reunited after the fall of the “Johnson” wall.

Richard Pasco, Uk

For a life and death situation, the England fielders found the quicksand more amusing than should be expected.

Si Griffin, UK

Dry-land synchronised swimming was never going to catch on.

Lizzie F, London, UK

Tussles broke out as the Lurpak Man auditions grew competitive.
Lizzie F, London, UK

Key and Vaughan acted quickly to prevent Superman disclosing his identity in the heat of the moment.
Lizzie F, London, UK

I may be bald,

And I may be old,

But I can still do what I am told!

Sahil Omar, Basingstoke

Johnson was elated that growing a third arm as a last ditch attempt to make the England squad had finally paid off.

Luke Bennett, Nuneaton

As a strange white UFO hovered above Richard, he found himself being slowly drawn towards it.

Luke Bennett, Nuneaton

Miscellaneous

BEST IN CATEGORY

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t come in ‘ere if you’re not wearin’ a funny ‘at….”

John Lewis, Finland

Vaughan: “Can you think of any witty words to describe Johnson’s joyous moment?”
Key: “Errm…how about, Johnson has joyous moment?”
Vaughan: “Looks like another goody bagless week for us, then.”

C. Hunter,
England

Yes, isn’t it funny how Vodafone sponsor successful teams like Ferrari F1, Man Utd and…er, the England cricket team.

Mitesh Shah, England

England players celebrate when news reaches them that C. Hunter has finally run out of crass cap comp captions.
(See you next week).

C. Hunter,
England

The whole thing, two words, ten letters…you’ve got it boys…”Lucky Dicky” (Johnson).

Des O’Grady, Nottingham

Johnson wears a small black arm band in sympathy for the death of Zimbabwean cricket.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson replaces Henman in the washing powder ad.
PS: That’s why Henman looked a bit miffed in the last Cap Comp.
Mitesh Shah, England

“Stuff the cricket. I’ve just won the national lottery.”
C. Hunter, England

Johnson practices England’s approach to the next Ashes series.
Martin Mills, Morpeth

Only Johnson stands in way of true love.

Pete Clark,
Leek, Staffs

Key: “Oooh, what lovely little ears he has!”
Vaughan: “Let me see let me see!”

Jeremy Dallyn,
Finland

Jeremy Dallyn: ‘Can I make the joke about the Johnson’s Baby Powder now seeing as nobody else has?’

Jeremy Dallyn, Finland

In a perplexing moment of regression, Johnson re-enacts his performance in a baby powder ad.
C. Hunter, England

Confusion reigns as Key, Johnson and Vaughan have forgotten how to celebrate.

David Dibb, UK

Watch manufacturer denies bribing BBC caption competition photographer.
Martin Mills, Morpeth

Johnson reacts at the news that he is to cricket what Beckham is to entertainment. We now wait to see his reaction when he is told that it was Victoria they were talking about and not David.

Mitesh Shah, England

On father-son sports day, the other dads regretted opting for cricket.

Rebecca,
Cambridge

“Grab on lads I’ll fly you home”.

T J Spencer,
Derbyshire

Richard: “This isn’t football: no kissing and hands where I can see them boys”
Dave, UK

Vaughan says “I told you if we went through the alphabet we would find a team we could beat.”

David Dibb, UK

Hello, I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy….

John Lewis,
Finland

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t come in ‘ere if you’re not wearin’ a funny ‘at….”

John Lewis, Finland

Johnson throws his arms up in exasperation as he was unable to decide if he wanted a hard one or a floppy…er…hat that is.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson: A couple more wickets and it’s my turn to wear the sweater!
Stephen Tucker, USA

At the current rate of bald dating advices woman, Johnson may be hugged again thrice more this decade.

Stephen Tucker, USA

“No, Richard! It really is a tradition to pinch the bowler’s back after he takes a wicket!”

G. Gollinger, Pittsburgh, USA

Johnson shows spectators how many wickets he will get in his next Test match.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson, a victim of having his head cut off in photographs, nervously tries to make sure this picture stays big enough.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

Johnson surrenders to undercover cricket police after stealing six wickets.
Mike Goudge, U.K.

Key and Vaughn are just in time to stop another embarrassing handstand celebration attempt by Johnson.

Mike Goudge, U.K.

5.9, 6.0, 5.8, 6.0, 6.0, 5.9, 6.0.

Martin Mills,
Morpeth

Yipeeee, I’ve nearly lasted a whole day without getting injured!
Peter Cross, Kent, England

Richard approves of the new security measures put in place before the match.
Bobby Ryder, Solihull

Johnson: “Look mum. No grass stains on my new whites!”
Sarah L, UK

‘See. I’m not just a pretty face.’

Sarah L,
UK

Vaughan: “Don’t worry Richard, I think about five more wickets today and you should have perfected your celebration!”
TJ Winfield, Bristol

Vaughan: ‘Right Robert, take him away!’

Phil,
Hereford, England

Johnson approves of the ‘diamond’ formation.

Sarah L,
UK

The boys relax when play is suspended due to a blurred background.
C. Hunter, England

Johnson tries the Cap Comp frame for size, prior to Henman’s predicted return in competition number 154.
C. Hunter, England

Vaughan and Key suspected Johnson may have eaten a little too much of Phil Tufnell’s ’special’ fudge brownie in the tea interval.

Martin Mills, Morpeth

Heath Streak: “Say, Richard Johnson, Robert Key, and Michael Vaughan are pretty weird names, eh?”
Clare Daniele, UK

Richard Johnson prepares to welcome a very tall, but rather skinny, female streaker.
Rob Falconer, Wales

Vaughan: ‘Don’t worry; I can get your coat hanger out.’

Rob Falconer,
Wales

I told you you’d over-wind the key.

Rob Falconer,
Wales

If I pull your corset any tighter, you’ll be skinnier than Victoria Beckham.

Clare Daniele,
UK

There, is your corset tight enough now?

Rob Falconer,
Wales

Vaughan and Key quarrel over who should be accompanying Richard Johnson in portraying Leonardo DiCaprio behind Kate Winslet at the front of the Titanic.
James Hunt, Leeds, U.K.

Vaughan and Key get muddled up as they momentarily switch to playing rugby union, here they are about to hoist Richard Johnson in the air to catch the line out.
James Hunt, Leeds, U.K.

To dispel romantic rumours about Robert Key and Michael Vaughan, the England cricket team request the BBC to superimpose an image of Richard Johnson between them.

Mike Duncan, Perth, Australia

Ric’s ‘bodysearch’ celebration was going well until Michael Vaughan found two shotguns and a grenade.
Naomi, York

Hands up if you share the same name as a jockey who’s dating Princess Anne’s daughter?
Bobby Ryder, Solihull

Johnson: “…and the bat was this big!”
Key: “Ha ha, you certainly are the joker Rich.”

TJ Winfield,
Bristol

Joyous scenes as ECCB graft Shane Warne’s arm to homegrown talent.
Danny, Southampton

Johnson’s premature arrival in the Cap Comp is about to end as his pals drag him out of the picture. Hmmm…

…But Johnson puts up a spirited resistance and tries to hang on to the top of the frame.

(Don’t miss next week’s thrilling instalment).

C. Hunter,
England

News - It’s good to talk… by text

grandpahelmholtz — Wed, 21 May 2008 03:28:50 +0000

THE UPS AND DOWNS IN A WORLD OF TEXTS

Students from schools on Shetland, Orkney, Lewis and Skye have received their exam results by text as part of a voluntary pilot scheme which has so far been deemed a success.

Many verbal communications have been replaced by texts

The effectiveness of such schemes is debatable but with the Mobile Data Association announcing that Britons sent a record 26 billion texts last year, there is a clear aim to raise awareness of issues amongst our texting teenagers by making the most of a well-used tool.

As an avid “texter” (my service provider informs me I send an average of 43 texts a day), I know from personal experience that texting can be problematic.

Texting is quick but it has many pitfalls

The thrill of sending a well-composed flirty text to that special someone is lost in the stomach-churning moments of waking up after a night out and realising I’ve been sending drunken texts to my ex.

Like Bob said… “It’s good to talk.”

The views expressed in this article are those of the author alone and are not endorsed by the BBC.

Your thoughts on Sarah Hepburn’s article.

Text messages are a useful way of keeping in touch, especially if you just have a short question for someone. But it’s a nightmare if you try and have any kind of meaningful exchange. There’s far too much scope for online dating advices new york
. A simple “How’re you?” message could escalate into any number of things.
Rachel, Scotland

I find that Dating conversation tip by text is rarely a good idea. You can spend 10 minutes texting to and fro to conclude what would be a one minute voice discussion. In its place though, text is a useful tool. I’m date dating first teenage tip using it to send messages to my wife who can’t take calls when she’s at work. Having said that, I probably only average about one text a day and can’t quite fathom tarrifs offering 500 or more texts a month. They should come with a health warning about RSI!
Colin, Stirling

Diane, how can you “innocently” flick through someone’s text messages? You were snooping and it suggests problems in your relationship prior to the discovery of his affair.
Pete, Scotland

There’s no such thing as ‘innocently’ flicking through someone else’s text messages! You get what you deserve if you spy on someone.
Gillian, Edinburgh

Texting also gives you the comfort of having an easy means to communicate with friends and family when you are by yourself (particularly when abroad)
Damien, Sydney

Texting is a very useful and easy form of communication, unfortunately as with many things some people are too stupid to use it properly.
Kevin, Edinburgh

Texting when drunk can be very dangerous as both myself and my boyfriend have found out recently. It is definitely better to talk!
Mike Watson, Aberdeen

I think that texting when drunk or emotional is far more destructive than say an argument when inebriated, as in the morning there is some hard evidence of what has been said. Things taken out of context, misunderstood, or mis-communicated are commonplace. I agree wholeheartedly that it is better to talk and engage properly with someone in most situations.
I send about 5-10 text messages per day and try to keep them short, to the point, and hopefully conclusive. Great mode of communication though compared to days gone by purely from a convenience point of view.
Frazer Gillespie, Inverness.

I discovered my husband was having an affair after innocently flicking through his text messages.
Diane, Scotland

News - The Magazine Monitor

grandpahelmholtz — Tue, 20 May 2008 00:05:27 +0000

Manilow recovering after hip op: just for a moment there I thought Barry had deserted his middle of the road roots and regretted it.

Cat, London, UK

If I started a petition for a “none of the above” choice on the Caption Competition vote, would anyone be with me?
Lindsay, Glasgow

Wow! This week’s caption competition entries actually were quite good. It was novel having to decide between several good entries for a change. Could we have a button to vote for more than one answer?
Lester Mak, London

Re Paper Monitor’s reference to Mark Almond, if it could have been THAT M Almond, he would have been Marc, not Mark. Unless there’s another famous Mark Almond who I’m not aware of, obviously.
Silas, London, UK

Regarding the creative dating tip proposals to chip our bins. I don’t know if this crossed anyone else’s mind but if households are going to be charged by weight for rubbish collection how are they going to stop unscrupulous neighbours from putting their rubbish in other peoples bins to avoid paying?
Chris, London

Whatever the rights and wrongs of hold baggage charges, does Toby Nicholl really think that “an explosion in the amount of baggage put in holds” is the best choice of words?
Simon Robinson, Birmingham, UK

Two articles caught my eye today - “Semen ‘may fuel cervical cancer’” and “Cameron calls for emissions law”. Typical of today’s online dating tip for man: no sooner does a problem arise than they want to legislate on it.
Wen, Horsham

I hate to blow Adrian’s theory of Paper Monitor’s gender out the window (Thursday letters). He reckons a woman because of the reference to perms and ruffles for a Christmas party outfit. I have two words for him. Russell. Brand.

Isabella, Sheffield

Could the Magazine Monitor enlighten me on a question that’s been bothering me? What is the plural of Daddy Long Legs? Our house was invaded by a plague of them and I’m not sure whether to refer to them as ‘Daddy long legses’, ‘Daddies long legs’ or just ‘Daddy long legs’. They seem reluctant to leave the house till I get my grammar right.
Rob, Letterkenny, Ireland

Re “That icon of effortless good looks, Victoria Beckham.”. One for the flexicon there I think. An obvious example of a foxymoron.
Kip, Norwich UK

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Enlarge Image

It’s time to cast your vote for the winning caption.

This week broadcaster Gyles Brandreth poses with the original Fozzie Bear given to him by Muppets’ creator Jim Henson. It is among bears from the world’s oldest Teddy Bear Museum that are due to be sold at Christies. But what’s being said?

1.David, Edinburgh
Judge presents legal council team.

2. Tony Holden
The passage of time had not been kind to Miss Piggy.

3. Pix6, Vienna, Austria
The reason why Goldilocks is still in therapy.

CAP COMP VOTE

Choose your favourite caption

1. David, Edinburgh

2. Tony Holden

3. Pix6, Vienna

4. David Dee

5. Helene Parry

6. Hal Coyle

4. David Dee, Maputo Mozambique
“Cash in the Attic - mixed lot - do I hear 50p?”

5. Helene Parry, South Wales expat to Brentford Lock
The security dog was spoilt for choice.

6. Hal Coyle, Cambridge, MA, US
Before and After patient photos from Dr Marvelo’s Cosmetological Clinic (results not typical).

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‘Mobile phone theft drive launched’ as today’s most confusing headline?
Craig MacKenzie, Glasgow

I would either like to live for ever or have a letter published by Magazine Monitor - whichever comes first….
Wen, Horsham, England

In Thursday’s mini-quiz. about the number of Morris Marinas still on the road, I was rather disappointed by the absence of “Too Many” as an option. I suppose it would have been the clear winner.
Andrew Collyer, Rainham, Kent

Re:
Royal Academy of Arts fire. The BBC report quotes an eyewitness saying she saw smoke and there was a strong smell of burning in the air. Where would we be without these insights?
Jim Ringer, Norwich, England

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nearly on fire. If you click on the news item, then on the RA link, their front page shows a photo of a woman with a lighted match between her lips. The picture is entitled Pyromaniac 2, by Josephine Meckseper. Hmmm… perhaps it was a piece of installation art that went horribly wrong.

Nicola Turton, Old Basing, England

I was a bit puzzled to read about a suspect who was “remanded in custody in his absence”. Does anyone know how that works? Presumably it could do a lot to ease prison over-crowding.
David Dee, Maputo Mozambique

To Adrian, faced with expensive water (Tuesday letters). Did you buy it? That’s how it works.
Phil, Cambridge, England

Adrian, this is how it works. Crude oil is drilled for in hostile conditions in the North Sea. It is piped ashore, refined and taken to petrol stations. The Government then nearly trebles the price with duty and VAT so it ends up costing 95p a litre. Water comes out of the ground. It is bottled and goes to the shops. It is sold (inc VAT) at 1.20 a half-litre. This is what’s known technically as a “con”. Refill empty 250ml bottles with tap-water and carry one with you. End of con.
Ken, Hornchurch

Re new mnemonic for the planets. Just change the mnemonic to Many Vindictive Earthlings Minister Judgement - Segregating Unwelcome New Plutons (or Plutoids or whatever!)
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

Re Punorama I am sulking that my pun “Griddley Scot” failed to get a mention in your honours list. It had all the rightingredients (no pun intended). By way of explanation - griddle (on which pancakes are cooked). The guy was a Scot (can we presume if he was at Aberdeen Uni). He made a film (like the famous director Ridley Scott). Get the idea? Ach well there’s always next week.
B Gunn, Muscat, Oman
Monitor note: The judges’ decision is final.

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“Trouser secrets” of the Saxons, only to be cruelly disappointed by talk of a belt… humph.
Elizabeth, London

Kathleen Wells has given us a new mnemonic to help remember the planets. Unfortunately, she has included Pluto, thus rendering her mnemonic rather useless.
Kate , Salisbury

Advice dating man tip question about Pluto’s being relegated from planet status is a valid point. Did the horoscope writers see the demotion of Pluto coming?
Anon, Brizzle

Whilst postman Roger Annies has undoubtedly done people on his round a great favour (Junk-mail tip postman faces sack), it’s still somewhat ironic that he had to drop an unsolicited leaflet through their doors.
Nick Jones, Dorking, UK

Travelling in to work today I went to buy a bottle of water. I was shocked to find it costs 1.20 for 500ml. This is 2.40 per litre, making it very nearly three times the price of petrol. How does that work?

Adrian, London, UK

In the article showing before and after weight loss pictures, how do you know that they are in the right order and that these aren’t pictures of people that have put on a lot of weight?
Cassandra, Oslo, Norway

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Friday’s letters the French actress Miou-Miou is pronounced “mew-mew”. I don’t know if that’s of any help to Alex though.
Liz F, Nyons, France

Can I now expect my horoscope to mention the influence of UB313 following the demotion of
Pluto?
Supertrunker, Houston

In answer to the request for a new mnemonic to remember the planets in Friday’s letters. Many Vindictive Earthlings Minister Judgement - Segregating Unwelcome New Planets
Kathleen Wells, New Brunswick, Canada

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News - The Magazine Monitor

grandpahelmholtz — Sun, 18 May 2008 21:28:51 +0000

Advice dating tip recovering after hip op: just for a moment there I thought Barry had deserted his middle of the road roots and regretted it.

Cat, London, UK

If I started a petition for a “none of the above” choice on the Caption Competition vote, would anyone be with me?
Lindsay, Glasgow

Regarding the government’s proposals to chip our bins. I don’t know if this crossed anyone else’s mind but if households are going to be charged by weight for rubbish collection how are they going to stop dating seduction tip neighbours from putting their rubbish in other peoples bins to avoid paying?
Chris, London

Two articles caught my eye today - “Semen ‘may fuel cervical cancer’” and “Cameron calls for emissions law”. Typical of today’s policiticans: no sooner does a problem arise than they want to legislate on it.
Wen, Horsham

Re “That icon of effortless good looks, Victoria Beckham.”. One for the flexicon there I think. An obvious example of a foxymoron.
Kip, Norwich UK

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It’s time to cast your vote for the winning caption.

1.David, Edinburgh
Judge presents legal council team.

2. Tony Holden
The passage of time had not been kind to Miss Piggy.

3. Pix6, Vienna, Austria
The reason why Goldilocks is still in therapy.

CAP COMP VOTE

Choose your favourite caption

1. David, Edinburgh

2. Tony Holden

3. Pix6, Vienna

4. David Dee

5. Helene Parry

6. Hal Coyle

4. David Dee, Maputo Mozambique
“Cash in the Attic - mixed lot - do I hear 50p?”

5. Helene Parry, South Wales expat to Brentford Lock
The security dog was spoilt for choice.

6. Hal Coyle, Cambridge, MA, US
Before and After patient photos from Dr Marvelo’s Cosmetological Clinic (results not typical).

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‘Mobile phone theft drive launched’ as today’s most confusing headline?
Craig MacKenzie, Glasgow

I would either like to live for ever or have a letter published by Magazine Monitor - whichever comes first….
Wen, Horsham, England

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To Adrian, faced with expensive water (Tuesday letters). Did you buy it? That’s how it works.
Phil, Cambridge, England

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“Trouser secrets” of the Saxons, only to be cruelly disappointed by talk of a belt… humph.
Elizabeth, London

Kathleen Wells has given us a new mnemonic to help remember the planets. Dating seduction tip, she has included Pluto, thus rendering her mnemonic rather useless.
Kate , Salisbury

Advice on dating advices women
’s question about Pluto’s being relegated from planet status is a valid point. Did the horoscope writers see the demotion of Pluto coming?
Anon, Brizzle

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Friday’s letters the French actress Miou-Miou is pronounced “mew-mew”. I don’t know if that’s of any help to Alex though.
Liz F, Nyons, France

Can I now expect my horoscope to mention the influence of UB313 following the demotion of
Pluto?
Supertrunker, Houston

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News - Hugh Grant accepts libel damages

grandpahelmholtz — Sat, 17 May 2008 19:46:39 +0000

Actor Hugh Grant has accepted undisclosed libel damages over newspaper claims about the end of his relationship with Jemima Khan.

Associated Newspapers claimed the romance was destroyed by Mr Grant’s flirtation with a film executive and his conduct over Liz Hurley’s wedding.

Mr Grant said he took action because he was tired of “almost entirely fictional articles about my private life”.

The actor will donate the damages to the Marie Curie Cancer Care charity.

Hurley wedding

Mr Grant said the Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday newspapers, owned by the Associated Newspapers group, wrote such stories “for their own financial gain”.

“I am also hoping that this statement in court might remind people that the so-called ‘close friends’ or ‘close sources’ on which these stories claim to be based almost never exist,” he added.

Mr Grant’s solicitor, Simon Smith, said the defendant had offered its apologies to his client for the embarrassment and distress caused by the publication of the false allegations and had agreed not to repeat them.

Hurley married partner Arun Nayar in March

Mr Smith said in a statement in court that the claim related to three articles.

He said the first article, published in the Mail on Sunday on 18 February, related to claims Mr Grant had been flirting with a senior executive at Warner Brothers while still in a relationship with Ms Khan.

The article said this had caused Ms Khan such distress, she had barely eaten for weeks.

The second was on 21 February in the Daily Mail, Mr Smith said.

It claimed Mr Grant would attend the wedding of his former partner Elizabeth Hurley and that he would be an usher and make a speech.

‘Did not exist’

It also said he bought Ms Hurley two wedding presents - christian dating advices free online
of a dating tip for gay man and a necklace inscribed with a personal message.

The newspaper described these alleged events as being the cause of Mr Grant’s split with Ms Khan.

On 24 February, Mr Smith told the court the Daily Mail published an article alleging that Mr Grant resented having to promote his films.

Hugh Grant starred in box office hit Music and Lyrics

Mr Smith said Mr Grant did not know of a woman at Warner Bros matching the Mail on Sunday’s description of the source - “as far as he is aware, she simply does not exist”.

He said Mr Grant did not attend Ms Hurley’s wedding and did not buy either of the presents suggested.

He added that Mr Grant does not resent doing promotional work and goes to great lengths to promote his films.

Mr Grant and Ms Khan were together for almost three years.

The pair began dating after the end of Ms Khan’s marriage to former Pakistani cricketer Imran Khan.

Mr Grant’s publicist described the split as amicable.

Mr Grant was arrested in London on Wednesday over allegations he attacked a photographer near the actor’s home.

Dating tip for man Ian Whittaker told the Daily Star newspaper he was kicked before a tub of food was hurled at him.

He has been bailed and will return for questioning in a month.